I wasn’t prepared for it, but the universe knew what I was lacking!

My marriage was a super shock for me. A rollercoaster of emotions that people would never believe in!

As a girl who hates responsibilities, who cannot stay at home for long, doesn’t really like cooking, and who wakes up late and messes up the room, I was sure my marriage wouldn’t last long. I have always been outspoken, and straightforward which doesn’t really go well in a joint family. Moreover, I knew that the feminist in me couldn’t adjust to a patriarchial environment no matter how hard I try!

I’d always thought, that being single for life would be the best for me because I didn’t want any disturbance in my lifestyle or affect my freedom. I wasn’t ready for the marriage and I couldn’t be ready ever. I wasn’t willing to come out of my comfort zone, restrict myself or make compromises with my career. Moreover, I have always been a giving person in my relationships, but still, there were some failed relations that broke me terribly. Now being a self-centered person, who could never compromise, I knew I will get stuck and end up choking myself in the turmoil called responsibility.

Well, not everything goes as per plan. Let me tell you how it went.

It was a lockdown and we had to vacate the hostel. I was happy inside as I get non-vegetarian food at home which I usually don’t get in the hostel. I booked the tickets and went home happily. There was a different feeling this time. One of my friends texted me “seems like you are going forever, I feel you won’t return back to the hostel” and I kept thinking about his text all the way. I reached there on 19th of January and on24th January I was informed that I am getting married on 11th of next month. Literally after 15 days!!

Everyone was excited, and I had no option of backing off. I knew nothing about that man I was about to marry. I didn’t even know his name correctly. I felt anxious at times, and it took me multiple days to console myself.

07–02–22. It was tilak day and the wedding functions formally started. I could already feel changes in me, emotional, behavioral, and whatnot! It wasn’t easy.

11–02–22. I hadn’t slept for 4 consecutive days and hadn’t eaten properly for long. I was nervous. It was a bunch of emotions I was feeling at the same time. In the evening, at 10 o’clock, when I walked down the aisle, I saw him for the very first time. I was literally shivering when he asked for my hand while walking through the stairs (he was nervous too). Our very first eye contact happened on the stage itself. I saw him smiling, though I knew he had the same confusion and questions as mine.

I was looking at things with a constant thought that this is not what I wanted and this is not how I want and he is not the one I wanted. I wanted to run away but I couldn’t! With every ritual, I felt like drowning and coming out, again and again, struggling for every single breath. At a point I got numb, it just went with the flow and I couldn’t do anything for myself.

So finally the functions were completed and we got married (I slept in between the rituals). I had to go to his home and accept everything I was about to have. Damn! It was difficult. I felt like living my most haunted dream. I wanted to come out of it and breathe deeply. Anyway, I had to face everything and I did with darkness all around. I saw everyone is just clapping and enjoying while I was shouting silently, helplessly.

Well, generally this type of thing ends up being a nightmare but in my case, this was the beginning, a beginning of a journey that ultimately came out to be very beautiful.

I probably entered this relationship in the most chaotic way, with 100s of questions and 1000s of confusion. The very first hour at his home felt like sitting in a room full of people with a blank stare and not a single thought in head but hearing everything going on around and being too exhausted to respond to any of it or climbing the staircase with no end or hating skin for no reason or what not!

After a few helpless stares, I asked him if he wanted to marry or he was pressurized. As he said he wasn’t prepared too, I was relieved. I then had a series of questions and the one doubt both of us constantly had was, can we make it to the end or we will get separated soon? Well after a week, we got our answers.

On the 10th day, I had to return to my hostel to complete my study. I thought I would be delighted to get back into my normal life but that was not the case. This stranger who happens to be my husband made so many efforts that I couldn’t resist giving him a chance. He is sweet, he came out to be super caring, lovable, and understanding too. We gave it a try, and it worked. I had thought my marriage will take away everything I have. But on the contrary, it gave me everything I was lacking!

It wasn’t easy, but we tried to sort it out and promised to continue sorting…!

“Kajal Thareja” Thanks for being so loving and supportive.

“Aryan Khetan” Thanks for being there at odds.

“Siddharth” Thanks for listening to me, always.

Originally published at https://sakshimishrablogs.blogspot.com.